Converting To Christianity: Considerations To Know Before Becoming A Born Again

To start off, I'm not opposed to Christianity. Even after deconverting, I have several friends who are Christians and actively follow their faith. For some, being a Christian makes a positive impact in their lives and makes a positive impact to society. If Christianity helps an addict become sober or a criminal to turn away from crime, then there's one less person who could break in my house or crash into me because he's driving drunk. I'm all for that.

I was born into the Jewish faith. Both of my parents are Jewish and I have a very Jewish last name. Often, I wish my last name wasn't so obvious, because I just want to blend in as much as I can. I don't like labels, and anyone who sees my last name can label me as such, whatever they think of Jews. Either way, I grew up in a religion that is almost impossible to join. Most Jews are cultural Jews and don't really consider how or why they exist. Because Judaism focuses on living and there is no promise of heaven or threat of hell, there's no manufactured motivation to actually spend time and resources trying to find and communicate with the Jewish god. Most of my family lives like this. I have a few family members who take it seriously. They're so serious about it that they moved to Israel and "made Aliyah". Israel isn't nearly as easy to live in as the US, but to each his own. And just like every person out there, I faced adversity. And I had the "what does it all mean" moment that a lot of people feel. Put those two together, along with a long lost associate contacting me out of the blue to spread the Gospel, and I took the plunge. I took Christianity at face value. Nobody gave me an idea of the consequences, good and bad, of becoming a born again. To be fair, I didn't go looking. I just wanted in, and Christians make it easy to do so.

Unfortunately, Christianity did not give me what I came for. I have some mental illness that's a real downer. I'm also on the spectrum. I have the ability to support myself and have some left over to do interesting things, such as traveling. But having grown up with these disabilities and all of the bullies and other unnecessary misery that I attracted because of these disabilities, I've struggled to understand why I should just keep pressing on. I had hoped that becoming a Christian would give me these answers. I also hoped it would help me attract the waspy blonde bombshell who loved me because I loved me some Jesus. Neither happened. I mean, I dated some women, and a few of them were really good looking. However, the whole underlying theme of living a godly life, including not having sex before marriage, seemed so unnatural and fabricated, that none of these relationships lasted. Add in a healthy dose of mental illness and PTSD, and nothing worked with these women. To be perfectly honest, these unfortunate women didn't need a guy like me messing up their lives. I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt and shame of how I wasted the time of some of these perfectly nice women. In any event, I never felt the love of Jesus, the intermediary between god and me. I never felt anything, because it just isn't true. At least for me it isn't. And it certainly neither fixed my mental illness nor the PTSD. It simply added to them. While I met some genuine people, I mostly ran into those with agendas and all of the narcissists who run the whole thing. I thought I was investing in heaven. In reality, I bought into hell.

Christianity advertises that, at the very least, you've punched your ticket to a blissful, never ending afterlife. And you'll be able to manage your problems as well as find your soulmate to boot. You'll find friends and address your addictions. You'll find meaning and purpose, plus dozens or hundreds of other benefits. All of this might be true for some. I'd argue that the concepts of the afterlife are pure speculation, but I could be totally wrong. In any event, people are capable of believing anything, especially if the advertisers are telling them things they want to hear. What isn't public knowledge, or is pretty hard to find, are the downsides of becoming a born again. 

The biggest downside for me has been the Hell Stick. It is the job of every Christian to make it abundantly clear to non-believers, as well as gently and not so gently remind fellow believers, that heaven and hell are real. Every time I stepped foot in whatever church I attended I was reminded of this. The last church that I regularly attended started off their sermons with this stick and carrot statement. You see the whole John 3:16 at football games. You see it on billboards. The Republican Party is owned by the Christian religion, so that's all you hear from most Republicans. The stick and carrot is dangled everywhere in this country. Spreading the Gospel is a requirement for those of faith, so a believer is compelled to dangle the stick and carrot everywhere he or she goes. Hence, believers are indoctrinated, and the more they believe, the more indoctrinated they become. Because I thought I had found The Solution to my problems, I really wanted to believe, even if deep down inside I didn't. Thus, for eleven years I told myself that heaven and hell are real, and it's up to me to choose which one I wanted. 

I guess you could say that I've chosen hell. At least that's what the version of me ten years ago would say about the current version of me. I deconverted simply because there never was any communication with Jesus or god. It just never happened for me, and my life never improved. I grew tired of being called a terrible sinner who only Jesus could save. But you see, the gate to heaven is narrow, so I probably wouldn't have made it anyway. Basically, I couldn't deny anymore that I had been living in cognitive dissonance for over a decade. Everything evaporated, except the Hell Stick. It's been three years since I deconverted, but I get beaten with the Hell Stick every day. The only issue is if I even gave into the little voice that whispers in my ear, imploring me to repent for my sins, whatever those sins might be, I'd blunder right back into cognitive dissonance. It's a no-win situation. The Hell Stick extremely distracting and if I let it go too far I can scare myself pretty badly. The Hell Stick hits hard, and it's debatable that I'll never be able to rid myself of it. 

Additionally, Christianity is advertised as a free gift. Nothing is free, especially being a Christian. The last time I checked, tithing is defined as giving away 10% of what you have. Tithing goes on in perpetuity, and it is a requirement. I definitely wasn't prepared to take up my cross and follow Jesus. My life has enough challenges, thank you very much. There is one individual who I know who took this literally and lives and indigent life as a homeless person working in a homeless shelter. I always thought he was off his damn rocker, but more power to him if it's giving him the meaning that all of us crave. I haven't run into a church that keeps tabs, although I'm sure there are plenty of pastors out there having little conversations with their flock to remind believers that they're behind on their monthly commitment. Another requirement is offering up your time to participate in church services and other volunteer opportunities. Again, most churches or religious institutions won't keep tabs, but there has to be some that do. Lastly, a born again has to modify himself or herself to fit in. Basically, one has to just let go of who he or she really is in order to qualify. A believer isn't supposed to act like humans have acted for a couple hundred thousand years. Monogamy is not a natural human behavior. Sex between two consenting adults is a birthright and should not be constricted by any religion.

Again, I'm not advocating for or against Christianity. It's a personal choice. However, there's no point to becoming a Christian if it's going to make matters worse in the long run. This is a life altering decision and should not be taken lightly. You might be caught up in the initial euphoria of being told what you want to hear, but you must ask yourself the following questions:

Are you capable of believing that a virgin gave birth to a demigod? Are you capable of believing the wild mythology of the Bible? Are these stories to be taken literally, or are they just there to make a point? Are you prepared to jettison sex until you're married? If you're not married, are you prepared to legally bind yourself to another person who may or may not end up sticking around, assuming that you do want to have church-sanctioned sex? Do you have the monetary resources to tithe? Are you prepared to be a door to door salesman of the faith? Did you find this religion by yourself, or has someone spread the Gospel to you? If someone talked you into this, who is he or she? How well do you know him or her? Can you live with the prospect that your every action and every thought is being monitored by a jealous god?  Is this the only religion you're considering? Why are you choosing this one? What are you trying to accomplish by joining this particular religion? Are there other ways to accomplish these things that don't require blind faith? Can you live with being told you're this horrible creation that only Jesus can save? Will you be able to talk that way to yourself and still feel like looking at yourself in the mirror? Can you give up your autonomy and believe that without Jesus you cannot accomplish anything? What will this look like a year from now? Two years from now? Ten years from now? Basically...do you really need to do this?

Becoming a Christian added in another complexity to my life. I'm absolutely worse off than when I became a born again. I got really tired of the lies. Although I am a person, and people inherently are garbage, I got pretty tired of the required self-flagellation. I got tired of those who didn't know me tell me that god loves me more than I can imagine when all I've experienced is absolute injustice. And I got really tired of toeing the party line of pretending to care about others because some pastor told me to do it. All I want to do is get away from people, not step in their messes. Basically, it was an awful fit for a budding misanthrope like me. Your experience is unique, but you owe it to yourself to ask these questions before diving in.

Good luck and god bless!